I find myself often living in fear. Fear of not measuring up to someone else. Fear of financial insecurity. Fear of letting people down. Fear of what people think about me. Fear of being hurt again.
I thought about standing near a rollercoaster and the quiet you hear as the cars slowly climb a hill and then the screams you hear as the cars come speeding down the other side. The people knew what they were getting into when they climbed on the rollercoaster but yet the screams come as soon as they cross the peak. I find myself doing that at times. I know the journey to the mountaintop has an experience of coming down off the mountaintop yet I find myself sometimes screaming with fear not knowing when the descent will stop or what will happen when I reach the bottom.
Today is one of those days. I crested last week and now feel like I am hellbent in rapid descent and that the wheels will come off and the big crash is inevitable. And the moments come where I think “where is God in this?”
The God who did great things in Job’s life. The God who led His people to the promised land. The God who fulfilled His promises to Abraham. The God who saved the world. Where is that God in this moment of my life, in this blip of time, in this story that started long ago and will run as long as He chooses? Where is he in my fear?
I know the question I need to ask is “how strong is my faith?” How long will I wait in prayer and peace for God to show me what He has planned for me? Waiting isn’t easy when you see money growing thin, when you wonder if you can meet your obligations. It just isn’t. I know God hasn’t called me to do easy things but man, I wish it was easier today.
Today will be a test of my faith. Will I trust God or will I leave Him behind to find my own answers? Tough question. Maybe I will have an answer to share tomorrow.
Grace and peace.