It’s something so many of us want. It’s something that cripples so many. It’s something that can be a great tool. It’s something that can be a debilitating weapon. Power.
I have had power and I have been subjected to power. I have used it well and I have misused it. I have been encouraged by it and I have cowered under it. Power.
Today I wrestle with the power of the emotion of fear. I am in a vulnerable place where I can choose to cling to faith or live in fear. I feel like I am losing the battle today, that fear is winning. I see the collision of all the worst things I can imagine for my life and I see it all playing out. I wilt under the idea of a great punishment.
Maybe I am simply being dramatic.
I have shared my feelings with a couple of people over the past 3 days and have varied responses. One was from someone more fearful of my position than I have been. That certainly had an impact on how I have seen things. Another believes there is a plan, a way things will work out and I am in the the process of the plan. Another believes I need to do more to change my situation. In all these things I try to understand how I feel, what I want to do now, what I want to do next, where I believe I am being led. In all the wondering, the door opens for fear to creep in and use it’s power to beat me down, to weaken my faith, to lose hope. The power of fear can make me stop in my tracks, for hours or days, and just imagine that my world is unraveling.
Maybe my world is unraveling. The virtue of being able to write is that admitting to my fear and it’s power over me, I can almost feel myself releasing the fear and looking at the words that friends have written on Twitter, not directly to me but, that have spoken directly to me. Last night a friend was encouraging me to be bold in my faith while another person I follow on Twitter wrote, “one of our greatest temptations is to reduce God to the size of our biggest failures.” (Jonathon Storment) Wow, that hit me right between the eyes.
I want the rest of this day to be lived in the power of God’s work in my life. It won’t be easy and even God says it won’t. The power of fear is ever-present, lurking, ready to suck me in. I make the choice of whether to give in to the fear or live in faith. I am calling on God this day to help me, to show me a sign but even if He doesn’t I plan to choose to believe He is here, He is at work, He has a plan for me. (Ephesians 2:10)
Grace and peace.