Birthdays are markers of sorts. For some of us, they are a marker of time passing swiftly by. For some, it is the freedom of a drivers license and a car. For others, it may be full of memories.
As I’ve moved through the past few years with a great deal of pain, I have protected myself. Reading another blog the other day, I came across the following which has so aptly described me:
What I didn’t know at the time was that I created a wall around my heart—a wall to protect myself from getting hurt.
I decided that from that day forward I would always leave others before they could leave me.
I paid this debt for many years, getting close to people and leaving them on a whim. I felt no love really, but I also felt no pain. I was numb. I was detached from the pain I caused others because I wasn’t in touch with the pain inside my heart.
So what does that have to do with birthdays. Since my divorce, I have built walls around my heart and made the personal decision I would never again set myself up for the emotional train wreck I’ve been living for the past 12 years. Somehow, I allowed two women to get close and the alarm went off and I moved on. Maybe there were good reasons for moving on. Maybe God had more in store for each of us than what was. Either way, as I read the words above, for some reason I thought about the birthdays of the two women who tried to tear down my walls. I thought about markers in time, my passing years, the days between the birthdays we shared and today and what has happened in the meantime. This remembrance came just a few moments after recounting my divorce, the years before and the pain of separation from my children that still enflame the wounds of my heart. I stopped and prayed for these two women, these warriors who tried to help me only to be met with resistance. I prayed for their hearts, for their families and for what God is planning to do in their futures. I asked that it be to His glory and a glorious ride for both of them.
And then what for me? The wall hasn’t crumbled. My desire to live in gratefulness is elusive at this moment. The rollercoaster ride that is my life took another dip.
I trust there will be better days and that some of these hard days are good reminders of where I’ve been and where I’m headed. Yet, it hasn’t stopped my support of the walls, of the numbness I often live in. What will God do with that? Will He be able to tear it down or does that all depend on me? Will he send someone who will make me want to tear down the walls? Or, do I simply have to come closer to Him because I use the wall to try and keep Him at a distance too?
I have no answers today. I may have no answers tomorrow. So, I keep asking God to let me see with His eyes. Maybe one day things will be different…
Grace and peace.