Lately I have had an absence of words to use for this blog.
Lately I have had an absence of hope for getting the answers I seek.
Lately I have had an absence of faith that I am remembered, loved and provided for in this life.
Lately I have had an absence of many emotions other than numbness. I don’t know if numbness is an emotion but I don’t feel. I’m not too down, I’m not very excited, I don’t have despair and I don’t have much hope. I hear words of appreciation and assume people are just being nice. I hear words of encouragement and assume people don’t know what else to say.
I feel like I’m in a hole. Trying to climb out only pulls more dirt into the hole. I’m not getting any deeper, I’m just feeling the dirt start to cover me up. At some point, I will be covered and cease to be seen, cease to exist at some level.
People tell me God works in mysterious ways. Well, if He’s at work, it is certainly in a mysterious way. People tell me God has a great plan. Really? How’d that work out for my marriage? For my friends who lost their daughter. For a family of a friend who just lost their 8 year old son. Is that the great plan?
I’ve been asked “if you don’t trust God, who or what do you trust?” Maybe I just have an absence of trust. I’ve been hurt badly by the people closest to me. I don’t mind being vulnerable because I don’t give a hoot what people think most of the time but I don’t trust either. I’m not letting anyone else get close if it’s just going to hurt in the long run. I’m starting to feel that way about God too. When I begin to trust Him because there is nothing else, that’s not trust. That’s just the end of the road.
It’s not a good day in my world. I’m with my kids and that’s wonderful but one of them is leaving in 5 days and the other in a week and then I’m back to living on my own. With my dog. And goat and cat. Then what? “Oh, God has something good planned right around the corner.” Well, I’ve been around a lot of corners already and everything that looked good disappeared.
Heck, I’m not perfect and I know I disappoint God. So what? Here we sit disappointed in each other? If that’s the case, I get it but that certainly isn’t what people are telling me. Ask, seek, knock. My voice is raspy and my knuckles are bruised. Now what? “Oh, he always provides what you need for this day.” OK, then why do people tell me to pray for abundance, for prosperity, for favor? I don’t need all that and sure won’t get it if I will only get what I need for today.
There are many things absent from my mind and spirit right now. Absence is ugly, frustrating, scary, hurtful. It’s all I’ve got at the moment.
Grace and peace.