I wish I had a stronger faith.  I wish my thoughts and feelings were unshakeable in the knowledge that God will do good things with me.  I wish my faith allowed me to quit imagining the answers in the ways I want things to work out and be at peace with whatever God chooses to do.  I don’t have that kind of faith.

One of my dearest friends last night told me that was OK.  He told me that God was thankful I was wrestling with my thoughts on faith.  He told me that God wants relationship with his children and that my mental struggles, my weak prayers, my moments of tears and crying out are all parts of relationship.  He told me that God doesn’t expect perfect relationship with me and that He is thankful with me giving Him all I can, no matter how little it seems to me right now.

Oh, how I want my situation to change for the better.  Much, much better if I’m being honest.  At the same time, I hope I can be comfortable with where God wants me.  My friend reminded me that the best storytellers are the people who have lived the story.  I don’t particularly like my story but how I hope one day I can share in the pain people experience and also be able to show them the amazing things God will do.  I know the pain doesn’t always go away.  I know scars remain.  I’ve still go wounds healing from the breakdown of my family.  I’ve still go wounds that haven’t started healing.  Pain lasts.  I just pray that joy will coming in the morning.

Grace and peace.

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