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If you are not from the Hee Haw generation, that title will make no sense to you.  Having been subjected to Hee Haw and Minnie Pearl and some hillbilly antics, this is a phrase I have remembered from my youth.  Pain, despair and agony on me.

Sometimes that is all I feel pressing against me.  Pain.  Despair.  Agony on me.  Last week I wrote about the sunny side being up but for some reason it’s easy for me to see pain and suffering.  I have addressed it before, maybe it is my “gift” to better understand those who are hurting.  Maybe it is my curse.  In my present situation, I am away from my son during the last 2 months of his time at home.  I hate thinking about missing a baseball game or a senior event he is attending or participating in.  I have had such a close relationship with him and find myself 3+ hours away and not able to run home every night for every event.  It hurts.  I have been blessed with an incredible woman coming into my life.  She is a joy to be with whether we are talking or watching sports.  She challenges me to go deeper with God and to look deeper within myself to heal old wounds and to live life better than I have lived it before and to be more honest with myself and others about my hopes and fears and failures.  I want to be with her every night.  I want to receive her encouragement and her love and her hope in person instead of on a phone.

At the same time, I believe somewhere deep down inside me I am in the is time and place for a reason.  I’m not sure what it is but every now and then I get a brief moment of peace that I have a purpose here.  I want to know it and understand it but it hasn’t been revealed yet.  As I wait, I look for things that help me get through this time whether it is my weeping and wailing prayers for God’s mercy and revelation, a good word from a friend or a quote that is shared.  I am thankful today for good friends and a good woman who are lifting me up.

I saw this today and it reminds me of what all those who love me are saying.  “Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice.” ~Wayne Dyer

I can choose today to look past the heartache and seek ways to help someone else.  I can get through this day because even though I feel so alone right now, I know there are others out there who care about me and love.  So, I can be miserable or I can push forward.  Motivation doesn’t always have to be a happy, nothing gets me down attitude.  Sometimes it is simply to do what must be done.  That is where I am today.  I will work to quell my misery with the knowledge of what I need to do today.  And keep moving forward because somewhere in front of me is the hope of better days, of more time with my children and lots more time with a gift I have received in the form of a loving and caring woman and friend.  Hope is up ahead.  I will press on.

Grace and peace.