This post is very different from the first one that was scheduled for this time. It’s also very different than the second one that was scheduled for this time. Both were dark and dealt with hard, scary thoughts from the deepest recesses of fear and doubt and unworthiness. I had gone to those places with a friend who was struggling at the same time I was struggling and we both dove deep into our hurts. I thought that was how this week would go; dark and filled with fear. Until I heard, “let her love you.”
I am a man blessed with some INCREDIBLE friends. Our sins are laid bare in front of each other and our hearts are handled with love and care between each other. I talked to one of them on the phone and we got around to struggles and some I was having with my own insecurities. I have been given a gift in the form of a woman who loves me by every evidence I can see. Where I see ugliness in myself, she speaks beauty back to me. Where I see hurt in myself, she speaks healing. Where I see turmoil within myself, she speaks calm. Yet, I continue a self-talk pattern of unworthiness. I have heard I am not good enough for so long that I have allowed myself to believe it. She is trying hard to convince me otherwise. I struggle with allowing myself to trust her goodness completely and I have tried to hang on to my heart in spite of her efforts to hold it, caress it, love it.
My friend said, “let her love you.” Let her. Quit fighting against it and let it happen. He says I’m worthy of love. So did another friend who called the day before and told me he needed me in his life for the hard times. So did another friend who texts me 3-7 times a day reminding me that I am loved and all other voices are liars. (I told you I had incredible friends!) “Let her love you.”
For the last day and a half, I have tried to lay down my wounds and my scars and my fears and my self-doubt and just let her love me. That mantra is resonating in my mind as I begin to trust her with my heart and with my self-worth. Thursday afternoon, we had a conversation on FaceTime. It’s a great tool because you can see the person and read the body language. Everything about that conversation told me she loved me, she trusted me and she was willing to hand her heart over to me. Everything I saw in her eyes and in her body language told me she loves me. Everything I heard in her words told me she was willing and ready to help me do whatever was needed to feel better about myself. Everything I saw and heard said, “let me love you.”
To “let” her means to make a choice. I choose whether she gets to love me or not. I already told her my desire to let her love me and that I will begin to be intentional in allowing her into places that bring me fear; I CHOOSE to let her in.
“Let her love you.” Thank you Dennis. Your words were the words of God. What they really meant were “Let me (God) love you through my instrument on earth.”
“Let me love you.” Thank you Kelly for seeing me through God’s eyes and being willing to tell me over and over and over what you see. You are a gift from above.
Grace and peace.