Miserable. That’s how one person described the way I sound in my blog posts.
When someone says you sound miserable, it’s hard not to stop and take inventory. Am I miserable? Am I making other people miserable? Should I stop writing and work on being happy?
I have always said this blog is written for me. It’s cathartic. It’s an outlet for some of what I am feeling inside. It’s my space for my thoughts and words I need to express for my own good. Yes, this space is all about me. I find it sometimes applies to others but it is for me. Given my current situation with a disastrous job situation, a depressing living situation and being in a place where I am alone the vast majority of the time, life is not all sunshine and roses. Add to that fact that the Texas Rangers are literally falling apart and misery is what is left.
I have a great woman in my life. I should say a GREAT woman. I have to super kids. They have both achieved academic success and they are both kids who do life better than I ever imagined and are examples to me, their father. I have good friends back home. A good dog. A decent truck to drive. A roof over my head. Lots of people have it far worse than my little life.
All that and yes, I am just a bit miserable. You see, the great woman is 3 hours away and I spend about as much time texting and talking on the phone as I do being with her in person. My kids are both headed for college and this is my last summer with my son and I am working and living 3 hours away. My house and my dog are in another town and so are my friends. Honestly, while I know they love me, I don’t hear much from them while I’m away so that emphasizes the loneliness I feel at times. You see, I want to be WITH them. I don’t want a phone relationship. Or email relationship. Or Facebook relationship. I want to be with them. Eat with them. Talk to them over coffee.
So, in a way, I am miserable. I realize I could be in 1,000’s of worse situations but I’m in my own bad situation and it’s bad enough for me. Maybe God realizes I can’t handle a worse situation.
And I say that to say this. It’s bad but…
I HAVE HOPE. I have hope that I will be with the woman I love one day SOON. I have hope I will get more time with my kids this summer. I have hope that I will get a job that I love and it is one where I am wanted and appreciated. I have hope I will get to live in my house, sleep in my bed, spend time with my dog, see my friends regularly. HOPE is what has kept me alive. HOPE is what has allowed me to do this for more than six months now.
I think I have more hope than the average person because they don’t get to see what I see. They don’t get to experience the pain I have experienced.
I’ve been told I am strong. I don’t think so because I know I feel like crumpling to the ground each and every minute. I attribute my ability to keep moving forward to a supernatural power. That is who is holding me up. That is who is moving me forward. I simply have hope. The rest comes from one much stronger than me.
HOPE is powerful. Hoping in the Creator, hoping in YHWH, that gives me strength I do not possess.
Forgive me if I sound miserable. I’m just letting that out of my head and I don’t mean to leave the idea that what I share here is all of my life. I’m holding on to the HOPE inside me. I’m keeping it alive within me. I need it and don’t feel like I have more than I can share right now. One day I want to share hope but today, today I have to hold onto my hope. It sustains me.
Grace and peace.