I hear much teaching about living in the present moment. Don’t dwell on the past too much. Don’t worry about the future too much. Live fully today.
Today I’m crying. Buckets full of tears.
In this present moment, I feel the separation from my children in profound, heart-aching deep pains. In this present moment, my past hits me like a freight train and my future is somewhat defined. I am crying out to God, “Why?” and “Where are you right now?” as I seek comfort for my situation yet I feel no comfort. Only the pain of loss and of being alone. I curse this house, seemingly far too big at this moment. A few nights ago, when some of my daughters friends were here and I enjoyed their voices and their laughter, this house was right-sized. Today, it is massive. As I wash the sheets they slept on and make the beds they were in, pick up cups and throw away trash from the parties and meals we had, I think about sitting by them, hugging them, listening to them and I simply want more. More time. More touching. More voices. In this present moment, I am hurting. And crying. I have my dog here to comfort me and be my companion and I am leaving him today, gone for a week where I will be somewhat alone, he completely alone except for the neighbors and hopefully my kids coming by to check on him.
In this present moment, I am hurting. I try to be still and know God is God yet without my children, without a job, alone here in this present moment, I can’t help but ask God where He is and what He is doing. The bills don’t quit coming. The expectations of providing for my children don’t quit coming. The child support payment doesn’t quit coming.
This present moment is filled with sadness. And hurt. And anger. I hope you didn’t come here to read about how life is all sunshine and roses. Right now, in this present moment, outside my window it is overcast and cold. It feels the same way within me.
Will there be better days? I expect so. Will my kids grow up knowing their Dad loves them? I hope so. Will a job come, will I have to sell my house and move again, will the pressures I feel today subside (or get worse)? Will the next present moment or the moment in a week or a month be one that allows me to look back at today as a small point in time? Surely it will but this present moment is not a pleasant moment. That’s just life. My friends know when they ask how I am doing, they will likely get honesty, not a simple “fine” or “OK”. People who meet me are sometimes surprised and likely regretful they asked how I was doing. Regular readers of this blog know this is my space to be honest with myself. I’m not here to be gooey or inspirational when I don’t feel gooey and inspirational.
I don’t like this present moment but it is what it is and this space is my space to think, to ask God if He’s hearing me, to wonder aloud and why it has to be this hard. Some would say I need to look for what God is trying to teach me in this moment. Hey, if He wants me to know something, He can spell it out because I think this moment is what it is, a very low spot in my journey. I take these times hard. I do. It’s who I am. And the tears remind me how weak and fragile I really am. Maybe that’s the lesson. Maybe that’s what God wants to remind me of. This vessel that is me is weak and fragile. Well, so be it but I want my kids back. I want one more hug, one more afternoon of their sweet voices, one more movie with them. One more meal. Oh how I long for that moment.
In this present moment, there are simply tears and hurt. I don’t want to follow through with the plans I’ve made tonight or be gone for the next week and I don’t want to be in this house packing and getting ready to go. I’m between the rock and the hard place so I will do what I do…trudge on. I will go back amidst the tears. I will prepare to leave amidst the pain. I will follow through with my plans and try to be an upbeat, ok guy to be around tonight. All the while, I will also be praying that the Lord comes quickly. I don’t like this world with its pain and gloomy, overcast days. I long for another world but in this present moment, I will do what I need to do until that day comes.
If you are reading my words and my thoughts written for myself, know that I believe in the power of God to heal. I just want it all today. Know that I am not advocating any end to my life or this world outside of God’s due time and plan. I just want it now. Know the tears will dry and I expect better days. It’s just not what I’m feeling right now. Know that as I write of this pain and this hurt, it is because I know there is a better time coming, one where there is no sorrow, no pain, no hurt, no tears of loneliness or woundedness or sadness. I just want it in this moment. Know that through expressing the pain I feel today, I have hope that this valley will lead to another mountaintop. I just want to be out of the valley now.
Oh Lord, I cry out to you to make things right, to capture my heart and my mind and reveal yourself and your will to me in clear and evident ways and to hear my pleas and to answer the calls from my heart. Please, God, exalt me in your ways and cover me in your favor.
Grace and peace.