I feel like I am in a boxing movie where one opponent keeps getting knocked to the ground by the other opponent after being hit in the head. The referee is counting and it looks like the downed opponent is out until he struggles to his feet, is given a second to get reoriented and then starts throwing and taking punches again. Sometimes, the same guy gets knocked down over and over always managing to get back on his feet. In the case of Rocky Balboa (I forget which of the Rocky movies it was in), he gets up and wins the fight. I hope that is how my battle will play out but right now I feel like I’m still in the knock down/get up routine.
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” ~Viktor Frankl
I havent’ read Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning but I want to. Frankl’s concept of “man’s inner strength raising him above his outward fate” resonates today. Most people who encounter me today will not know the turmoil that is raging on the inside. A few select people who know me well get the raw, unvarnished truth but most see me going about my business and never realize the pain on the inside.
Recently, I have been intentional to think about people and things I am thankful for. The challenge is that many of those people/things are not close to me and while I am thankful for them, I am also cut off from them. It’s a tough balance. Maybe no balance at all. The truth, for me, is that I cannot pretend to be happy within my own mind. I can’t tell myself to be happy and make it so when my days and nights are often accompanied with loneliness and separation. The kicker is that I am OK with that. I am willing to accept my current state as a bad one. Knowing it is bad allows my inner strength to go to work. My inner strength at work allows me to keep pushing through when I would rather quit.
I don’t know how Frankl made it through his struggles. I would not want them and mine seem far simpler comparatively. Still, these struggles are hard for me but I am pushing through believing there are things on the other side of this worth working towards. I forget who said, “He who has why to live can bear almost any how” but it has truth in it. I have the why so I keep going, keep hoping, keep striving. I hope I can look back on this one day and remember when…
Grace and peace.