Last night I opened up in front of someone and let the mess and the muck and the nastiness of my pain and my shame and my fears come out. It was scary and I still don’t know if it was the right thing to do to them. What does one do when they think they are listening to a mundane story and then has vomit explode all over them?
It’s happened before when I was sick. I hurt and I knew something had to change for me to feel better. Then it happened. The quick race to the bathroom. The pain inside. Flinging the toilet seat back to let the yucky stuff come up and out and when it was all over, a feeling of relief. The feeling that whatever was causing the problems had now been expelled.
That’s how I feel as I write this. Some nasty stuff that has haunted me a long time is out. Some stuff that said “you aren’t good enough” and “you’ll never measure up” and “you’ll never be enough” and “who can love someone like that” came out tonight. I went wide open and it came flowing out. I’m still a little nervous for the one who had to face the barrage. I trust them with my story but I don’t know if they were ready for my story. I don’t know if there’s ever a good time to cover someone with my mess but am a little scared this wasn’t the right time. Or, that I didn’t say it well.
And still, I feel a freedom I’ve never known. My friend may not ever know or understand how liberating tonight was. Does it mean all the yuck and muck is gone? I don’t know that answer but I know it’s not still hidden. I know it’s not still in a little compartment I keep locked up and have to bear on my own. It’s out there. It’s in the wide open and I think the pain, fear and shame are dissipating. Quickly.
Going wide open isn’t easy. Not on the one sharing and certainly not on the one on the receiving in. I pray they will be blessed knowing they just allowed me to make progress in my journey, to grow closer to God in accepting that I am who I am, made the way I am by God and DNA and that I am good enough, worthy to feel love and be loved even if imperfect in my eyes and man’s eyes.
I was wide open last night. And I feel good.
Grace and peace.